Happiness never lasts

I'm looking for REAL joy. I'm craving it so badly! And I'm looking in all the WRONG places. That's so silly to think about when I know exactly where to find it! Why do I do it?

Because of the biggest flaw I have in my faith: I'm scared to trust God completely at all times.

As I'm going to be going into the new year, i'm not going to have any new years resolutions. Why strive to change something in my life starting January 1st and give up in the middle of March? Well that's what usually ends up happening to me anyways. I am trying to strive to change each and everyday with fresh hopes and a new mindset each day.

But to do this, I HAVE to trust God COMPLETELY. I have to surrender EVERYTHING. Last night, I sat in my car with Jake just crying and crying for all my imperfections and sin. I came home, and I cried some more. I said a prayer that God would just forgive me and to take it all off my shoulders, and I said I will surrender anything and everything for Him. This morning God told me that I really have to start listening if I truly want to hear Him more clearly.

I've been thinking lately, and there is just something really missing from my life. What is it? I don't know. I want to know God's purpose for me so badly! I have to be closer to God to fully understand that though. And of course to get closer, I gotta start listening and obeying. And to even begin any of that I have to TRUST.

"TRUST in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

That verse is popular for a reason. Its the best advice of truth ever! If I trust, everything else will fall into place! DUH. Why has it taken so long for me to realize this and finally get it? I am too focused on trying to do things on my own and figure it out by myself. But when I do that, I accomplish...NOTHING.

Trusting in the unknown is scary. But God wont throw at me anything I can't handle! He's never going to leave me either. Having faith is so much tougher than anything, but when I have it, the sun looks a lot brighter.

Smiles and teeth are temporary and fade, but the smile on the soul shines bright forever.

RANT: Don't hate on love

"Falling in love requires a leap of faith and a soft landing isn't guaranteed."

"Love is like a needle. You can't feel it enter, but you know its there. You feel the pain, then it subsides. You don't feel it leave, and its unbearable after."

The famous..."I love so much it hurts."

Two things that all these quotes have in common are:

1. Overused by people ages 12-16, maybe older on Facebook
2. It's total...GARBAGE.

These uses of "love" are completely misleading to what love actually is. People have a very skewed image of what love actually is. Having said this, keep in mind I'm talking about love for a human being and not the love that our Father gives us (ill make a point later). But anyways, why associate love with pain?! That's absolutely ridiculous if you ask me. Love doesn't cause pain, but INSTEAD hurting people cause pain.

The million dollar question is, what is love? I can tell you what I think it is and it might not be right, but I do know that I know what love IS NOT. Love can't hurt. When people say "its hurts me to love them" they have a very skewed idea and theyre putting those words together all wrong. It hurts because of lies, just plain douchebag behavior, ugly words/names, violence, and whatever is actually the cause of the downfall in the relationship. Love brings people together and love is what overcomes all those nasty things NOT cause them.

Think chemistry equations.
Love -> 6joy + 4delight + 2comfort + 3peace
Giggles, I just made those numbers up.

Lies + cheating + violence + 2asshole activity -> 2broken hearts + hurt

Have I been in love? Yes. I'm in love with God and I love my boyfriend. Have I been hurt? More than I want to count.

With my love for God will give you a clear picture. I LOVE my Lord. I will proclaim it loud and proud. He makes me who I am. But when I sin and fall into Satan's temptations, He probably isn't too happy. But I TRY (keyword) not to do any of that because I love Him, its like I have to forget that He loves me to do that. BUT I repent because I love him. Love is strong and overcomes!

My boyfriend and I have been together a few months now and recently we've been telling each other we love each other because I truly believe we do. He makes me stronger, happier, friendlier, and just uplifts me every second. I think that's what love is about. Thank goodness that we haven't gotten into any huge arguments and I don't think we will because we care about each other too much. We have each other in mind. When you have something in mind, its hard to act contrary unless you have a pile of rocks for a conscience.

Quit giving love a bad name! Love never hurt anybody.

My attempt at wisdom:

A PART of this thing we call love is cheering someone on. - MSK

Running towards Dad

I wasn't hearing God clearly yesterday. My whole day was a warfare of thoughts in my head. I'm getting too many excuses and justifications for my sins in the way of hearing from my heavenly Dad. He loves me so much but dang, I sure put Him through so much.

My biological dad became a raging alcoholic when I was just a teeny one growing up. I've had a few step fathers, but I had one man in my life to raise me pretty much by himself since I was just a little child in this new world that is America and now my home. He is absolutely wonderful, and I call him my daddy because he's been so good to me and pretty much taught me everything I know to be a good person. He has shown me so much grace and mercy while I've been giving him hell. I think most teenagers realize this sometime in their life. But anyways, I can't tell him EVERYTHING about me as much as I would want to, but the honest truth is that he wouldn't be able to handle it.

My Dad in heaven is a whole different story. While it's the same idea of continuous grace and forgiveness after coming home late, lying about whatever I'm trying to hide, or not making my bed in the morning, that grace is magnified to infinity. Yeah infinity is hard to grasp, but my Dad IS infinite and my earthly dad so small and finite. The Lord knows EVERYTHING about me and He CAN handle it. Let's face it, He is the ONLY Being that can. It's comforting, but at the same time it's scary.

It's comforting to me in a sense that He knows what will happen to me, and in the end it'll be alright because I'll be with Him. What's scary is that He knows my every flaw and fault. He knows what I hide from everyone. I can't keep anything from Him.

While I'm on this earth, life is gonna be rough and tough. This is my life marathon run towards God. I get so tired and exhausted though from all the distractions around me. Everytime I start to slow down to walk or take a break, I catch myself in sin. I know God is cheering me on but so is the world to tell me to stop and take a break. It's so so appealing. And after I overcome one sin, I pick up my speed again until I stumble to the next sin. And it sure doesn't take long to get from one to the next.

I learned a lesson. I thought my life was getting pretty good, I have some amazing friends, best grades I've ever had in my entire life, and my boyfriend treats me like a princess. But while I'm thinking that its good, I'm slowing down on my run to take a quick break because I thought I was ahead. Little did I realize that I'll never be able to say I'm ahead. But as soon as I stop, I made some huge huge mistakes. I can't take it back, and I make mistakes everyday. But this one really worried me, and I didn't know what to do about it, except be scared.

Why was I scared though? My Dad is right with me to pick me up and get going again. He doesn't neccessarily have a smile on His face, but he is NOT going to let me give up. God is truly taking care of me more than I will ever be able to imagine.

"He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint." - Isaiah 40:29-31

Love: Separated

"And I am convinced that nothing can separate us from God's love. Death can't and life can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow...no not even the very powers of hell can keep God's love away." -Romans 8:3

Just a verse I sent to my friends this morning, you never know when an encouraging word can change an entire day. I found it in a journal I kept last year. I've been thinking about it, and I sent it to my friends to just be encouraging, but what does it mean to me? It's such such a powerful verse. Who am I to send it to my friends when I don't truly understand it? God's love is so unconditional and great that every word in the languages undermine it.

God gave us love, and his love and our love is so different. If I start comparing my love and His love, I'm bringing His love to such a smaller scale and making it human and bringing it into sin. The simple word that is love is so overused and the meaning has changed so much over the years and throughout different societies. I love Mexican food, I love movies, I love boots and sweaters, and I love God. Can all that really mean the same thing? No, I'm changing the meaning because my love for boutiques can't be the same as my love for Holy Dad! If don't even understand the word love that I use, how can I understand His?

Last week, my small group and I determined that the love he has for us is discipline, comfort, wisdom, and encouragement all at the same time. But the purpose of love is not just for us to enjoy and keep to ourselves, but he loves us so that we can shine his light and glory to all that we encounter. My love definitely does not have the same effect on people.

Everything and person that I love in this life WILL let me down, and I will let everyone down that I love. But the God I serve and have a relationship with will never let me down. He is always there for me, he knows and understands everything I'm going through, and he knows every step that I have taken, am taking, and will take. When he loves, its the REAL deal. All inclusive with no loopholes or surprises.

Ultimately that makes me think, if He comes with the whole package, why do I still not fully trust in Him and give everything I have to Him? I'm beginning to think that life would be a whole lot different if all the money I made at work, all the knowledge I learned at school, and all the time I've been blessed with that is my life went to my Father. But to get to that level, there is a lot of trust. Trust that I don't have. Trust that has been long lost through all sorts of people. If he is always for me and with me, why is it so hard to submit everything? That's like holding on to a melting ice cream cone when you are offered and entire lifetime supply of cold refreshing ice cream that never melts. But you don't get to pick the flavor. I'm just too scared of what I don't know. But what I do know has broken me so many times, I think its about time for me to accept that I have NOTHING to lose.

Dear Dad, I pray to you in hopes that I will find the strength to take up my cross and give you every thought, worries, wishes, breaths, actions, and step. I know you have an amazing plan, and what you have for me is so much greater and better than anything I can decide on for myself. I know you'll never melt on me, and I want to run to you when I have the slightest doubt or uncomfort in my life. I pray that you will give me the patience and peace to just stop breathe pray and listen to you throughout my days because you know what is best! Inspire me to do amazing things that youve called me to do with your love. I pray for ALL those who might not ever receive true love through relationships in this life that they might enjoy the love that you give them and they feel your huge huge heart and you fill theirs with joy to share. You are all that we will ever need! In Lords name I pray, Amen.

K for Kind

What is my ultimate goal in life that God has planned for? Why has He kept me in this world for so long after I have been continually failing? He obviously has a plan for me, and I think that plan is to make a difference in this crazy worldly driven earth we live in. All I want to do is change one person's life.

I watched To Save A Life last night with my small group. It was soooooo good, but most of all, it was so real. Jake changed the lives of so many and saved so many from taking their own lives. But can one person really do that? I don't know. However, if every believer out there can just change one life, that would be sooo amazing. Just a thought and a prayer for all those unbelievers hurting out there that one act of kindness will show Christ's own heart through his believers. My goal: to treat everyone like Christ that I approach. Not to check off a box, but to adapt to an OBSESSED lifestyle for my incredible dad!

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Always MORE

I've been really inconsistent with everything lately. Doing homework, hanging out with friends, and the time I go to sleep and the time I wake up. The only thing I have been consistent with are my meals, the necessity to SURVIVE. Worst of all, I've been inconsistent with my relationship with my Father. Why have I put MY needs before glorifying HIM?! Why haven't I been thinking about him that it is he that is keeping me alive? It's absolutely repulsive for me to think about, but I'm so glad that I've realized this.

Another HUGE misunderstanding that I've come to reality is the whole about "good works." Filling out college applications, I regret that I haven't volunteered more or been involved with my community more. Today it hit me that that perspective is so WRONG! Any nonbeliever can do good works and help out in the community. But the God I serve wants me to do it for him and to be humble. I was taking this piece of scripture in a negative light,

"I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God." - 1 Timothy 2:9-10

I love flaunting a new outfit I got or run around town in some new shoes, but that's not what it's about! I shouldn't flaunt that I helped out so and so or that I clothed some homeless kids. It's ugly to wear my good deeds. Also, good deeds isn't the big picture of this verse anyways. I want people to see my good deeds and think, "Wow that is God," I don't want any part of it. But first, I have to start doing more for my community and the people in need everywhere around me. Not to check off a checklist or to expand my resume, but to do it in joy and love as God has called me to do!

"In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." - Matthew 5:16

I just have too many excuses and too much on my own agenda right now, and that is a PROBLEM. And I SHOULD be worried about it. What I do for God right now, is what I share with him in heaven, and I just want to be eager and tell him all the great things he's led me to experience and shared with the world.

6 weeks later..

I promised myself and more importantly to God that I would change my life around after Summit '10. How has it worked out?? My first blog describes a few of my struggles. I've overcome a lot, but I have to keep pushing myself and keep pursuing Christ. Every little step counts. My small group and youth group has helped me in such amazing ways. They love me, but they also keep me accountable. Being kept accountable is much harder than keeping someone else accountable.

This summer I've been convicted the most about the sin of partying, getting drunk, and disobeying authority by partying. If Jesus were to come back when I was at a party laughing, making jokes, and playing drinking games, what am I suppose to say? Why am I exposing MY Holy Spirit to sin? Who am I to ruin the GIFT and the HOLY temple that the ETERNAL KING has given me? I've never recieved a gift from my grandparents and threw it away infront of them, I write thank you notes to them. I need to be writing my lifelong thank you note to my Father, starting NOW. I've been given this awesome life with great blessings, and what am I doing with it?

I'm no longer in guilt with my sin because God doesn't make us feel guilty or dwell. He convicted me, and I'm forgiven. Why would He?! He's been doing all these great things for me, and all I've done is been selfish. Because He LOVES me. More than anything that anybody on this earth can comprehend. Because of this amazing undescribable love, He gave humans the GIFT of free will so that we would grow to FALL in love with Him. He's been letting me make my mistakes for a reason. The hardest part, is to grasp the idea that I need to CHANGE. Even harder is to actually follow through with the change. BUT, if we keep LIVING in our sin, we have nothing to look forward to, except for death.

When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. - James 1:13-15

During the 6 weeks, I've partied some, but a WHOLE lot less than before. It's a different life, that's for sure. Yeah, I'm excited about it, but my relationships in Christ tell me that I have to get to my next step which is to stop all together. Finally, the idea is for me to be repulsed by the things I used to do and not want to be around it at all. It's extremely hard for me to hear the things that my leaders and peers tell me, but I NEED to hear it and it is a GOD thing. My small group leader told me last week these verses:

"My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins." - James 5:19-20

My brothers and sisters in Christ are OBLIGATED to tell me that what I'm doing wrong is WRONG! They are encouraged by the gospel to change me because it saves their LIVES and covers more than just my sin that I would commit. The beginning of the chapter describes how we have to be ready when the Lord comes back and that we are supposed to confess each other our sins, pray for each other, and be strong together. I have been very wrong to stiff arm some of my small group members regardless of what I think of them.

In conclusion, I am BLESSED to have this temptation. It is bringing me closer to Christ and others that love me. We have to consider it pure JOY when we have trials (James 1:2-3). I'm going to come out of this beautifully.

Perception

I'm currently reading a book called unChristian. I'm only a few chapters in, but it's already got me questioning my own faith. I'm in a chapter of the book that focuses on perceptions that "outsiders" have on Christians. Does it matter what other people think of my faith and religion?

"What people think about Christians should help us be objective. Outsiders kept telling us that Christians are not realistic or transparent about themselves. An important perspective we should embrace is "You are what you are, not what you tell people you are." As Christians, however, we need to make continual, honest evaluations of ourselves so that we can uncover the ways in which our lives do not accurately reflect what we profess."

That really made think. How am I supposed to engage my friends and those who I care about if they have negative views about Christianity? What they think DOES matter, if I'm going to try to engage them. So it matters if my life doesn't reflect a Christlike one. I really need to focus on what I need to submit to God and the struggles that pull me away.

Here goes my honest evaluation of myself and are in no particular order:

1. I gossip probably...ALL of the time. I'm a girl in high school, but that should be NO excuse. “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much" - Proverbs 20:19. If someone hears me gossiping and telling the latest secrets or affairs in somebody's life, how are they going to trust me that I wont do the same with them? If I am representing Christ, my conversations should look welcoming and loving. SOLUTION: Think before saying. Harder thought and spoken than typed.

2. Materialism, (noun): preoccupation with or emphasis on material objects, comforts, and considerations, with a disinterest in or rejection of spiritual, intellectual, or cultural values. The more I think I need new clothes, new phones, or whatever to be happy, the more I don't depend on God to fulfill my life and REAL needs. SOLUTION: Quit job, no income for nice clothes, nice food, nice THINGS. My heart has really opened up to volunteering and being with kids that have almost never had anything new, and in my comfortable little life, I will only use something if it's new.

3. My hardest struggle. The sin that weighs more on my heart than anything else. I love to be the life of the party. I love getting drunk and dancing, doing crazy things, or whatever. The disillusion is that alcohol makes me feel "FREE". But real freedom comes from Christ. True love, true happiness, and true freedom comes from God. What makes me feel "free" is the social butterfly I become, I feel like I could do anything, and it makes me happy. WRONG. In how many ways? First, it's straight up illegal for me to be consuming alcohol. Until I am of age, there is no way that I should be drinking! I am to OBEY authority. Two, if it's against the law, it's DEFINITELY against my parent's rules. Three, I canNOT do anything, because it slows everything down. I could probably find dozens of scriptures that make my situation totally wrong. God's freedom is unmeasurable to anything in this world. Freedom from sin...freedom of grace...FREE WILL... God's freedom brings so much more joy! And joy from God, beats anything I've ever experienced! SOLUTION: Plain and simple. STOP drinking. Actually stopping...praying that I'll get the strength. It's a constant battle for me.

All three of these issues I have are not lining up with Christ. I definitely have more issues but these are the ones that I'm trying to work on NOW. NOW is the time for me to change, and FOREVER is how long it needs to last. I want to engage my friends so badly, but I don't want them to see me as a hypocrite. I am addressing my problems as real problems and I plan to do something about it. Maybe my friends and the people I hang out with can change their schema of me as a Christian.