Screw Expectations

Why are we so sheltered? I went on a jog tonight, and I am fired up for believing in the One who was raised from the dead. In this American society, we're so caught up in silly cliches.. Do we want to be safe? Or do we want to BELIEVE in Jesus Christ? This might be an extreme point of view, but I got a new view on my faith.

Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. Colossians 3:2

I want to take a leap of faith and believe that the Lord above is enough. I want to get a glimpse of His glory. I want to be in pursuit of Godliness. In all these things, I can because God has already given me hope. How many times do we give up on hope or look for it? We don't even have to be in search of this hope that set us free because He has already laid it out for us.

Jesus said to her, "Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?" So they took away the stone. And Jesus lifted up his eyes and said, "Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me." John 11:40-42

I can barely fathom the story of the death of Lazarus right now. We've heard it over and over, but this is absolutely mind blowing right now. Just read it like you've never read it before. Read it through the eyes of John.

This story isn't saying let's go do this or let's go do that. This story reminds me and restores my strength and hope in what Jesus Christ has done for me. I just start thinking about what life would look like if we truly put our trust in God to get a glimpse of his glory.

What get's me the most, is this story of faith. Or lack there of. What would happen if we lived radical lives and doing things the world and even believers think are crazy? What if everyone just started trusting in God and did things they've never had the courage to do before? Surely, the world would go mad, but the world would see a NEED for a Savior. How glorious grace would be.

Fire in the letters

How do I truly become passionate about the Word of God? I'd be lying if I told you that I love to read my Bible everyday. I read my Bible everyday, but I've never had a strong love and desire to read the Lord's perfect word.

A friend put it plainly to me today. He told me that him and his friend had a conversation about simply this, "if you could meet God right now and ask Him a question, what would it be?" What would God say? More than likely, He wouldn't give us an answer to whatever question we have. Because He has already given us the exact plan He wants us to live in. It's in there somewhere.

I want to fall in LOVE with the word. Every aspect of it. I want to be intrigued with what the Lord has for me. Conventional knowledge. Why do I look for answers in the flesh when I can look it up? Because I'm not willing to take the time out of my day to truly meditate on Scripture.

God's got a plan. I'm gonna live in it. Or definitely try to anyways...

I just need to start doing it though. I need to set up some guidelines I'd like to follow.

1. PICK A BOOK TO READ/MEMORIZE

2. Pray before reading.

3. MEDITATE on what I read.

I wanna fall in love with the most Godly man I know of, JESUS CHRIST! I'm just gonna start reading Mark.

I'm Alive

But God is so rich in mercy, and He loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, He gave us life.

-Ephesians 2:4-5

I was reading this this morning, and I was surprised at how much quiet time with God really means. I am no longer living at home with my parents, but in a new town with new people and a new sense of freedom. At first I was upset and lonely, but God has made me new today. After reading some Scripture, I have the strength to trust in God's love because of His mercy and what He has done for me. If He is willing to die for our sins, He has sure got my back through this college experience. Starting NOW, I want to know more of Him and fall in love with Him. We are saved by the works of Christ, and in that, I want Christ to work through me. God does all the work, I just have to obey. But that's the hard part. How do I obey Him, when I have no earthly parents to answer to in college? Will it enable me to listen to Him more or less? What if my faith becomes weak?

Father, guide me to do what is right and do what honorable. But most of all, Lord, draw me closer and closer to you. As deep as our relationship can be, I want to know you deeply. Take me in your hands right now, and give me the capacity to love more. Love my family more, love my roommates more, love my friends more, love strangers more, and love YOU more! Thank you for giving me hope today God.

"What a strange trip it's been"

My life is changing, and it's changing BIG. I'm about to start college, live without my family, I have no idea what's happening with a relationship I'm currently out of, and I can't listen to God because of my own desires and wills for my life.

If God has my best interests (which he does), and God rules the universe (which he does), how does Satan continually win me over?

Because, I'm not making God the LORD OF MY LIFE right now, he's just a part of it. At Summit, I heard from God so much and I was listening, then I was doing. Reality hit me hard. I broke up with my boyfriend because I thought that that would make me more dependent of God. Secretly, I've been putting some faith into Jake that he would come rescue me of what might have been a bad decision being knight of shining armor. Still hasn't happened. Nor has my capacity to love my Father grown.

I changed the name of my blog because I want a whole new feel to it. This is gonna be a journey. A walk. Not alone, but with my perfect heavenly Father. My sweet sweet Abba above. Abba is referred to when a child says, "abba, father!" They refer to their father not only as father but MY father. There isn't a specific translation, but it brings on a level of intimacy. I want the King of Kings to me mine, and I want a personal walk with Him with more intimacy to form a deeper relationship.

My whole life is changing, and I want to listen to Him and DO what He commands. I hope to post in this more.

I just wanna grow up to be awesome.

I was so enlightened tonight. I hear all the time and I'm also guilty for this: "I just don't feel as close to God right now."

That is such a lie! This incredible woman in my small group taught me that God and us are as close as were ever gonna be. He's never been further or closer. Not years ago or years to come. That made it so so real to me. My pastor always says, "Our feelings and emotions lie to us." That became so real to me! I want to say I'm closer to God today than yesterday, but that is such a lie.

I allow myself to have a "spiritual high" in one circumstance and when life sucks, I feed into the lie that I'm not close to God. My faith is still growing, but it's like I want it now. I don't want to blame it on America's "gotta have it now" personality, but I've found myself being so lazy and expecting so much. I want something right now, but I'm not really doing anything about it. I want my heart to be like God's, but I'm not following His truths and praying as much. I want to be productive with my resources (time and money), but I waste it. I'm wasting so much of my life. I have this book by John Piper: Don't Waste Your Life. Have I finished it? Negatory. Ironic? Eh, not really, just reality.

I found a major fault in my life today. Or I've always known it, but it really hit me. I always START something, but I NEVER finish it.

1. Books
unChristian
Don't Waste Your Life
2. Lifestyle changes
Being active
Eating healthy
3. This scrapbook of a cookbook I started
4. 5 Paintings
5. Prayer journals (I always find a "cuter" one)
6. Support letters for Jamaica

Just a few examples (some more important than others) of my inefficient life.

Most unfortunately, I am definitely like that with my faith. I'm not letting God finish His little works in me. I mean obviously, God isn't gonna one day be like, okay you're perfect, live peacefully. But He wants me to grow not closer but more spiritually mature with Him in our Relationship. Why can't I finish some simple things on my part? Why do I have to be so ignorant? I obviously can't finish simple tasks on my own, why am I trying to achieve this faith by myself when it's a two way relationship? I feel sick at myself.

Finally Trusting

Wow, I am just so incredibly amazed. Yet again, God has changed my life and turned it upside down. I have such such hard time trusting God. Just everything I've been through in my life, I can't let go of some past experiences. I've been let down, torn up, and destroyed by people in this world. And not necessarily bad people either. I guess our heart is mostly based on our response to our situations. For example, Jake's heart is so sweet and gentle because he has just taken every circumstance and found something to love even like when some one's gossiping, he always stands up for that person (he's done that to me).

I like to think my heart is sweet, but just rough around the edges. I just don't respond to life like I should. I'm given a trial or tribulation, and what do I do? I complain. I whine. I feel sorry for myself. It's just a huge pity party. Why? Why do I act like that? It's because I don't trust that God has a Plan. It's every day. I've had some experiences where I've trusted God, but on a regular basis, it's so rough. I don't want to turn away from the One I receive salvation from. Like He is allowing me to enter the kingdom of heaven and I have a hard time accepting that He knows best? There is some serious issues with that.

The past few weeks, Peyton and I have been really praying for a bible study. The book Radical by David Platt made it clear that it's our responsibility to serve and share the gospel to ALL the nations. But why worry about going to 3rd world countries when there's so many struggles and hurt in my own neighborhood? God has made it clear for me that the generations behind are getting worse and worse. Children losing their virginities in elementary school and drugs in middle school? Highest children's poverty rate? What is going on American society. But anyways, if faith of a few girls can be strengthened, then they can strengthen the faith of a few, then those can strengthen the world. In numbers, I influence 5 people. Those people influence 5 people each (25 people). And those 25 people share with 5 people....thats 125 more people in Heaven. This is what Jesus has called for us to do in the beginning and thats by just loving people!

I am absolutely in love with the quote that says, "Share the Gospel at all times, and when necessary, use words." Just through kindness and the fruits, anyone can share Christ!

But anyways about the bible study, I've been having to be completely dependent on God, and trust in Him for everything. I don't know how the other girls have felt about it, but I've had the most uncomfortable peace about it. It's like God was saying, "Sue, chill out, I've got it under control." but I was still wanting it to be perfect and I was so nervous about it. But God made it truly special with all the people that came. Earlier today, it was almost to a point where I was so scared of letting people down, that I was going to let them down completely by not going at all. But that would have broken my heart so much. I trusted God that He wasn't gonna let me down. And He didn't! It was incredible. I've never seen so many beautiful souls my entire life. We didn't even get into the Word, and I could just feel God's presence through everyone's beautiful hearts.

I'm not the only one that struggles with trust. I think Jake finally trusted me that I actually love him today. I could go on for days about all the things I love about him and the things he's done for me, but is the love really there or is it the butterflies of infatuation talking? He got hurt today, and I felt like his confidence needed me. People expect him to be this amazing soccer player and to break this record, and I think he gets too caught up in that sometimes. Just living up to other people's expectations. But I accept him for him and who he was, is, and will be. He is truly special, and his heart is like one that i've never encountered on this earth. Jake mentioned that I've never said such sweet things to him. I think it's because I needed him to need me. I've needed him in so many circumstances, and I've cried on his shoulders too many times. He's always been the strong one for me. But I got the first chance to be strong for him. I hate that he is hurt, but being there for him is amazing. It's actually giving me more confidence that I'm worthy enough to make someone feel better. This is kinda sounding selfish, but I do wish he heals asap, but I know everything happens for a reason, and I can't wait to see what God has in store for him!! I think I know what Jake's spiritual gift is. I'm almost certain. But that's for another night.

Tonight was amazing. Thank you Jesussss!

Can't get the best of both worlds...

...because you win anyways in the end, there's no need.

I was so angry today. I am loving all this snow, but I am hating it. The idea of getting snow, snowball fights, and snowmen are sooooo cool! Heck ya I wanna get out of school for it!! Especially when Alabama only gets snow about once a year or less. I love getting out of school, but of course, school is out because roads are closed. Roads closed = stuck at home. My parents wont let me go see Kelsey and Courtney, and I feel trapped, lonely, and bored. Okay, it's really not THAT bad.

That's how sin works for me. Probably for everyone. We all want something that we don't have right? Well, most things I want in this life, aren't lined up with Christ. I want new clothes, phones, and cars. I think about clothes, OFTEN. I think my parents hate me because they won't buy me new clothes, but it's for my own good. I keep filling my carts up with new dresses at lulus.com and modcloth.com, but I look at all the beautiful textiles and get out. Yeah I don't have as much nice clothes as so-and-so and so-and-so's parent's got them a $100 gift card to wherever, but that's justifying.

What have I learned about justifying? CAN'T DO IT. It's wrong in any shape of form. Yeah, it seems silly, but everyone does it unconciously. We just don't want to feel guilty for anything. Justifying anything is a lie from satan, and I feed into it...almost daily.

Anyways, I'm really upset that I can't see my best friends because I can't drive and my parents wont drive me. I'm upset that my parents didn't get me anything for Christmas, and I'm upset that my parents probably wont get me anything for my birthday. I mean everyone else gets presents for these two events, why can't I? Okay, there goes me justifying again. But I'm wrong, there are more than 4 billion people in the world that don't get gifts for these two events. What makes me so special and elite to the rest? Nothing. That's just another lie that I've been takin in from that silly satan, telling me to be mad at my parents over something, well, silly.

How do I get rid of it though? I feel like I'm surrounded by, "don't do this, don't do that" EVERYWHEREEE. I know the Bible isn't a book of do's and don'ts, but in real everyday life, that's what I feel like my choices and decisions come down to.

Every day, every moment, I want to let God in. I want Him to transform me and ultimately change the way I think.

"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:2

However, I feel like the more I let Him have a piece of me, the more I have to give up. But, is it really giving anything up? No. Not really at all. It's like giving away my only oreo cookie in my lunch bag at lunch. It's so tasty and delicious, but I only have one. But, at the same time, I have an entire box at home. I'm not losing anything. I've lost some friends, and it sucks. They won't call me to hang out anymore, they say bad things about me, and just to have people out of your life isn't the most fun thing. But I SHOULD REJOICE because I have so many other Godly friends now, and it seems like as I lose another friend to the world, God puts another beautiful Christian sister into my path.

With God, it's a WIN-WIN situation. ALWAYS. Nothing that happens on this earth will be bad, because I'm guaranteed ETERNAL life. Beat that silly satan. You can't!

Yeah, I wont see Courtney or Kelsey tonight. But it's like that cookie. I'll see them everyday for eternity in heaven later on.