I just wanna grow up to be awesome.

I was so enlightened tonight. I hear all the time and I'm also guilty for this: "I just don't feel as close to God right now."

That is such a lie! This incredible woman in my small group taught me that God and us are as close as were ever gonna be. He's never been further or closer. Not years ago or years to come. That made it so so real to me. My pastor always says, "Our feelings and emotions lie to us." That became so real to me! I want to say I'm closer to God today than yesterday, but that is such a lie.

I allow myself to have a "spiritual high" in one circumstance and when life sucks, I feed into the lie that I'm not close to God. My faith is still growing, but it's like I want it now. I don't want to blame it on America's "gotta have it now" personality, but I've found myself being so lazy and expecting so much. I want something right now, but I'm not really doing anything about it. I want my heart to be like God's, but I'm not following His truths and praying as much. I want to be productive with my resources (time and money), but I waste it. I'm wasting so much of my life. I have this book by John Piper: Don't Waste Your Life. Have I finished it? Negatory. Ironic? Eh, not really, just reality.

I found a major fault in my life today. Or I've always known it, but it really hit me. I always START something, but I NEVER finish it.

1. Books
unChristian
Don't Waste Your Life
2. Lifestyle changes
Being active
Eating healthy
3. This scrapbook of a cookbook I started
4. 5 Paintings
5. Prayer journals (I always find a "cuter" one)
6. Support letters for Jamaica

Just a few examples (some more important than others) of my inefficient life.

Most unfortunately, I am definitely like that with my faith. I'm not letting God finish His little works in me. I mean obviously, God isn't gonna one day be like, okay you're perfect, live peacefully. But He wants me to grow not closer but more spiritually mature with Him in our Relationship. Why can't I finish some simple things on my part? Why do I have to be so ignorant? I obviously can't finish simple tasks on my own, why am I trying to achieve this faith by myself when it's a two way relationship? I feel sick at myself.