I was so enlightened tonight. I hear all the time and I'm also guilty for this: "I just don't feel as close to God right now."
That is such a lie! This incredible woman in my small group taught me that God and us are as close as were ever gonna be. He's never been further or closer. Not years ago or years to come. That made it so so real to me. My pastor always says, "Our feelings and emotions lie to us." That became so real to me! I want to say I'm closer to God today than yesterday, but that is such a lie.
I allow myself to have a "spiritual high" in one circumstance and when life sucks, I feed into the lie that I'm not close to God. My faith is still growing, but it's like I want it now. I don't want to blame it on America's "gotta have it now" personality, but I've found myself being so lazy and expecting so much. I want something right now, but I'm not really doing anything about it. I want my heart to be like God's, but I'm not following His truths and praying as much. I want to be productive with my resources (time and money), but I waste it. I'm wasting so much of my life. I have this book by John Piper: Don't Waste Your Life. Have I finished it? Negatory. Ironic? Eh, not really, just reality.
I found a major fault in my life today. Or I've always known it, but it really hit me. I always START something, but I NEVER finish it.
1. Books
unChristian
Don't Waste Your Life
2. Lifestyle changes
Being active
Eating healthy
3. This scrapbook of a cookbook I started
4. 5 Paintings
5. Prayer journals (I always find a "cuter" one)
6. Support letters for Jamaica
Just a few examples (some more important than others) of my inefficient life.
Most unfortunately, I am definitely like that with my faith. I'm not letting God finish His little works in me. I mean obviously, God isn't gonna one day be like, okay you're perfect, live peacefully. But He wants me to grow not closer but more spiritually mature with Him in our Relationship. Why can't I finish some simple things on my part? Why do I have to be so ignorant? I obviously can't finish simple tasks on my own, why am I trying to achieve this faith by myself when it's a two way relationship? I feel sick at myself.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Finally Trusting
Wow, I am just so incredibly amazed. Yet again, God has changed my life and turned it upside down. I have such such hard time trusting God. Just everything I've been through in my life, I can't let go of some past experiences. I've been let down, torn up, and destroyed by people in this world. And not necessarily bad people either. I guess our heart is mostly based on our response to our situations. For example, Jake's heart is so sweet and gentle because he has just taken every circumstance and found something to love even like when some one's gossiping, he always stands up for that person (he's done that to me).
I like to think my heart is sweet, but just rough around the edges. I just don't respond to life like I should. I'm given a trial or tribulation, and what do I do? I complain. I whine. I feel sorry for myself. It's just a huge pity party. Why? Why do I act like that? It's because I don't trust that God has a Plan. It's every day. I've had some experiences where I've trusted God, but on a regular basis, it's so rough. I don't want to turn away from the One I receive salvation from. Like He is allowing me to enter the kingdom of heaven and I have a hard time accepting that He knows best? There is some serious issues with that.
The past few weeks, Peyton and I have been really praying for a bible study. The book Radical by David Platt made it clear that it's our responsibility to serve and share the gospel to ALL the nations. But why worry about going to 3rd world countries when there's so many struggles and hurt in my own neighborhood? God has made it clear for me that the generations behind are getting worse and worse. Children losing their virginities in elementary school and drugs in middle school? Highest children's poverty rate? What is going on American society. But anyways, if faith of a few girls can be strengthened, then they can strengthen the faith of a few, then those can strengthen the world. In numbers, I influence 5 people. Those people influence 5 people each (25 people). And those 25 people share with 5 people....thats 125 more people in Heaven. This is what Jesus has called for us to do in the beginning and thats by just loving people!
I am absolutely in love with the quote that says, "Share the Gospel at all times, and when necessary, use words." Just through kindness and the fruits, anyone can share Christ!
But anyways about the bible study, I've been having to be completely dependent on God, and trust in Him for everything. I don't know how the other girls have felt about it, but I've had the most uncomfortable peace about it. It's like God was saying, "Sue, chill out, I've got it under control." but I was still wanting it to be perfect and I was so nervous about it. But God made it truly special with all the people that came. Earlier today, it was almost to a point where I was so scared of letting people down, that I was going to let them down completely by not going at all. But that would have broken my heart so much. I trusted God that He wasn't gonna let me down. And He didn't! It was incredible. I've never seen so many beautiful souls my entire life. We didn't even get into the Word, and I could just feel God's presence through everyone's beautiful hearts.
I'm not the only one that struggles with trust. I think Jake finally trusted me that I actually love him today. I could go on for days about all the things I love about him and the things he's done for me, but is the love really there or is it the butterflies of infatuation talking? He got hurt today, and I felt like his confidence needed me. People expect him to be this amazing soccer player and to break this record, and I think he gets too caught up in that sometimes. Just living up to other people's expectations. But I accept him for him and who he was, is, and will be. He is truly special, and his heart is like one that i've never encountered on this earth. Jake mentioned that I've never said such sweet things to him. I think it's because I needed him to need me. I've needed him in so many circumstances, and I've cried on his shoulders too many times. He's always been the strong one for me. But I got the first chance to be strong for him. I hate that he is hurt, but being there for him is amazing. It's actually giving me more confidence that I'm worthy enough to make someone feel better. This is kinda sounding selfish, but I do wish he heals asap, but I know everything happens for a reason, and I can't wait to see what God has in store for him!! I think I know what Jake's spiritual gift is. I'm almost certain. But that's for another night.
Tonight was amazing. Thank you Jesussss!
I like to think my heart is sweet, but just rough around the edges. I just don't respond to life like I should. I'm given a trial or tribulation, and what do I do? I complain. I whine. I feel sorry for myself. It's just a huge pity party. Why? Why do I act like that? It's because I don't trust that God has a Plan. It's every day. I've had some experiences where I've trusted God, but on a regular basis, it's so rough. I don't want to turn away from the One I receive salvation from. Like He is allowing me to enter the kingdom of heaven and I have a hard time accepting that He knows best? There is some serious issues with that.
The past few weeks, Peyton and I have been really praying for a bible study. The book Radical by David Platt made it clear that it's our responsibility to serve and share the gospel to ALL the nations. But why worry about going to 3rd world countries when there's so many struggles and hurt in my own neighborhood? God has made it clear for me that the generations behind are getting worse and worse. Children losing their virginities in elementary school and drugs in middle school? Highest children's poverty rate? What is going on American society. But anyways, if faith of a few girls can be strengthened, then they can strengthen the faith of a few, then those can strengthen the world. In numbers, I influence 5 people. Those people influence 5 people each (25 people). And those 25 people share with 5 people....thats 125 more people in Heaven. This is what Jesus has called for us to do in the beginning and thats by just loving people!
I am absolutely in love with the quote that says, "Share the Gospel at all times, and when necessary, use words." Just through kindness and the fruits, anyone can share Christ!
But anyways about the bible study, I've been having to be completely dependent on God, and trust in Him for everything. I don't know how the other girls have felt about it, but I've had the most uncomfortable peace about it. It's like God was saying, "Sue, chill out, I've got it under control." but I was still wanting it to be perfect and I was so nervous about it. But God made it truly special with all the people that came. Earlier today, it was almost to a point where I was so scared of letting people down, that I was going to let them down completely by not going at all. But that would have broken my heart so much. I trusted God that He wasn't gonna let me down. And He didn't! It was incredible. I've never seen so many beautiful souls my entire life. We didn't even get into the Word, and I could just feel God's presence through everyone's beautiful hearts.
I'm not the only one that struggles with trust. I think Jake finally trusted me that I actually love him today. I could go on for days about all the things I love about him and the things he's done for me, but is the love really there or is it the butterflies of infatuation talking? He got hurt today, and I felt like his confidence needed me. People expect him to be this amazing soccer player and to break this record, and I think he gets too caught up in that sometimes. Just living up to other people's expectations. But I accept him for him and who he was, is, and will be. He is truly special, and his heart is like one that i've never encountered on this earth. Jake mentioned that I've never said such sweet things to him. I think it's because I needed him to need me. I've needed him in so many circumstances, and I've cried on his shoulders too many times. He's always been the strong one for me. But I got the first chance to be strong for him. I hate that he is hurt, but being there for him is amazing. It's actually giving me more confidence that I'm worthy enough to make someone feel better. This is kinda sounding selfish, but I do wish he heals asap, but I know everything happens for a reason, and I can't wait to see what God has in store for him!! I think I know what Jake's spiritual gift is. I'm almost certain. But that's for another night.
Tonight was amazing. Thank you Jesussss!
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